I guess I've lost my mojo....
In photography I'm doing well as can be limited by my lack of adequate equipment...but in LIFE I have lost my mojo.
I guess it took seeing someone call another person "fat" and that person wasn't even close to the definition of fat...to notice that no matter what I do, how successful I try to become, no matter how many hoops, loops and obstacles I jump through I will always be the fat girl. The photographer in vernon..you know the fat one...
That fat woman who carries a camera to all the games...yeah her...
That big chick who is always at her kids band practices...yeah that's who I'm talking about..
I will never be anything other than what some close minded people see.
Yesterday, I had a couple sessions, and at one of them we were at a park. I had to lay down on the ground and get photos at eye level (bc I like closeups..) and I noticed someone that had walked by and laughed pointing at me. No..not the baby covered in cake and happy as can be...ME. The fat chick laying on the ground doing whatever it took to get the shot. You see...that's the thing. I have a horrible condition in my knee called Osteoarthritis, because I injured my knee several years ago working, and never had it repaired. I have whittled away at the cartliage in my knee due to my obesity and now my right knee is bone, on bone. It hurts. Every day it hurts...squatting, kneeling, walking, running are a few of the things that I struggle to do every single day. Sad really. I'm 34 years old and falling apart. But the point of my story is...people don't care that you are a good person if they don't KNOW you...all they see is the exterior.
I try and dress nice. It's hard. You know how much an average pair of jeans costs a plus size gal? $90. Yes. Lane Bryant, Torrid...all jeans average that price. Walmart has pants, that are elastic wasted horrible jeans that I could never even think of wearing...but its very expensive. I can't afford to even give myself an adequate wardrobe bc of all the extra fabric needed.
I have all but given up on the advocare supplements. I'll keep them around and use the last few shakes as needed, and the appetite suppresant pills will come in handy. I've just come to the conclusion that it's all in what I eat...and being active. Its very hard for me to work out...bc of my knee but I am going to start walking with my kids at the park if they will be seen with me and once I get strong enough to be seen in public working out, I may go back to zumba. Lord knows I don't want to be "the fat chick in the back" of the workout studio. I guess I'll have to get over the fact that people are always going to notice that about me.
You know something else about me?
I sing. I am a classically trained singer, who studied in college for music education and vocal music double major. I love to sing. My dream was to go to nashville. I tried out for our college group "campus country" and I was told I didn't have the image for nashville. Then he picked the pretty, thin bleach blonde that had performed faith hill after me...to be in the group. I know I'll never "make it" in the music business...but that's the thing... he stopped me 30 seconds into my number. 30 seconds. Woulda coulda shoulda I guess but there are so many things about me that people don't even give me the chance..bc of my obesity.
I'll lose the weight. Just won't be the way I thought. But I am on day 21 of the challenge, and I have officially given up...but I haven't had a soft drink or sugar in 21 days. So this did help me accomplish something. I read labels now... I count calories now. I'm more aware of healthy foods now. So it has changed my life. Just not in the obvious way that I thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment