Who needs a diet with kitchen renovations....

My house looks as if a tornado hit it. And I am not playing. Everything is out of place. I have a keurig and dishes in my bathroom. I have my sink outside in the carport. I have cabinets stacked in my LIVInG ROOM. As I sit here in my room I gander at the 3 boxes of dishes and pots. I asked michaela to go put her drink cup on the counter last night and Michaela said "what counter". Yeah. War zone. Today marks official chaos. Tearing out of my stove top. Which means limited cooking. Which either means a whole shit ton of microwave easy Mac or crock pot cooking until my countertops and lower cabinets are set. But where can I put the crockpot???

Smh. I'm hungry.

It's called "diary of a mad fat woman" for a reason....

I really didn't know why I got my hopes up.  I've never been the type of person to abide by "rules" and such structure anyways

Uhm...hello?? Did you see my college grades?? Ha. No...nobody did. Because they were in an abyss called "just give up and go home you are stupid".

My appetite is gone for some reason, and I really don't even have to motivation to eat much lately bc everything is gross to me.  I seriously need to learn more dishes because the ole standards are getting pretty worn out with me.
Last night, I made parmesan crusted pork loin and baked potatoes. Boring and bland I know but my kitchen isn't exactly what you'd call "TOGETHER" right now.  Amist the sheetrock dust, and stain fumes I did little to get dinner going and completed bc of the smell!
My house is so bloomin cold that the stain isn't wanting to dry as fast as most people who maintain their temps in their house at a balmy 70 degrees. It sucks not having central heat...especially in times like this!  Needless to say I am ready for the "kitchen facelift 2013" to be done and it just got started yesterday.  Joe has gotten ambitious and asked our friend to go into the hallway afterwards and sheetrock the hallway. More paint.  Yippee right??

HOME RENOVATIONS SUCK IN PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure they are wonderful completed.  But I've never had a completed one so this should be interesting... :D (no offense to joe, he works super hard long hours and I DO NOT complain)

Well I am off to finish up my last photo session editing, and get ready to go to columbus to the dreaded CPA to settle my taxes for last year. Gotta grab my shoebox of stuff (LOL) and get ready :)

Mardi freakin gras 2013 and pizza ....

Well. I didn't have time to blog this weekend bc I was slammed with photography sessions and prepping my kitchen for demolition this week. Whoever said renovating the week you are leaving to go out of town was a good idea was seriously drunk. D-runk. On top of washing tons of clothes trying to pack essentials and find a way to shove 3 days worth of clothes for 4 people into a car, now I have to see Sheetrock dust, paint, drop cloths, stain, moldings and other miscellaneous items around my house. Did I mention my kitchen is a disaster area??!??!?

Oh. Funny tidbit of info. Joe has lost 9 lbs. turd.
I'm going to start Zumba once we get back from New Orleans. I really should go his week but I just don't want to chance reinjuring my knee before we have to walk 6 miles a day in the French quarter. Ahhhh New Orleans. I may never return....

I had Philly cheesesteak pizza last night and it was divine. Thin crust and I didn't go overboard. I'm still watching my calorie intake and following my no sugar rule (unless its from fruit ). I did Zumba for an entire hour and a half the other night and I felt wonderful. I probably looked like a cow having a seizure while being electrocuted but the endorphins were awesome. I love the "second wind" rush you get. Sometimes I don't get it if I don't work out long enough but it's worth the sweat.

I love Zumba. It makes me happy. Dancing makes me happy. God didn't choose to give me a dancers body visible to eyes. It's in my soul :) I may break a hip but I'm gonna get injured dancing my heart out :)

Off to get ready for the contractors to be here. :)

Neverending chore list...

I drove all over creation today and didn't even get to go look for sweaters for my trip. Traffic in Columbus was horrific (at lunchtime ) and all I wanted to do was go home.

Go home??? Jeez I'm turning into a friggin hermit.

My good friend and hairstylist gena gave me a couple pairs of jeans today and I hope they fit. Man I hope they fit. I got on the scale today and I've gained 4 lbs. what. The. Hell. I hate being fat. I hate not being active enough but just short of walking up and down my driveway I don't exercise enough. Yes. I've tried the dancing work out at home alone. Let's face it. I'm standing in front of my damn couch for shit sakes. Guess who wins every time???

I should want more for myself. I should. It's really hard when the support system I thought I had crumbled. Yeah. Woohoo go Shelly!!! Yeah. As soon as I admitted that the pills were making me sick everyone just pretty much laughed and said "I knew her fat ass couldn't do it".

Well guess what. I will do it. Even if I lost 2 lbs a week it'll be a step in the right direction. No. I'm not skinny. No. I can't wear skinny jeans (obviously) and high heels. No I can't even find a cute jacket to wear bc my arms are huge.
I still can't get out of my head what that girl said on her Facebook. " I want to be skinny and sexy not fat and gross"

You wanna know what's gross?
Skinny bitches who think us fat girls are gross. I hate people with condescending attitudes. I've seen more skinny evil bitches that I think are ugly as hell because of their attitude towards bigger people.
I am not your kicking post. I can kick your skinny ass with just one arm.

Go eat a cheeseburger and take a long walk off a short pier. Ugh.

Headaches, Backstabbers and Mardi Gras....

So lets leave out the fact that my head is pounding so hard right now I can barely focus on the computer screen...

Since I ran out of spark, I have had continuous headaches (even though I haven't had ANY sugar at all or sodas) and I don't like that feeling.  I don't like waking up to a headache...enduring a headache during the day and then going to bed because I have a headache. THIS SUCKS.

Just got through watching the last episode of season 6 of army wives.  I love that show...FINALES always suck major if you ask me but this one...really pissed me off!! Kill off all the main characters on the show??? WTH??
OK..lost myself a bit there. Back to reality.  I still have a few photos left to edit up from the sessions this past weekend, and if weather doesn't act like a douche I should have two sessions this weekend.   Then it's off to

MARDI GRAS BABY!!!!!!!!

I may never return.

Leave out the fact that I've been stabbed in the back by yet ANOTHER fake fairweather "friend" its just been a helluva past couple months. Flanked by poaching "fauxtographers" attempting to snatch clients from me its just been down right peachy.

I'm kidding.  NOT.

Some people should really stick to their jobs of being nosy assholes and watch their soap operas and stay out of my life.  Gah.  I needed to get that off my chest.
8 days till we leave. I haven't eaten anything today yet, but that's mainly bc I need to go to the store..so that may be where my headache has spurred from, that and crying nonstop yesterday.  I've just been moody.  Nah that's an understatement really. I've been downright evil.  But that's only bc I've tried to be a good friend to people, and listened about their screwed up home lives, money problems, etc and then when that person/people are done with me it's like "oh I'll just delete her" or "I'll just stop returning texts and phonecalls"

Fuck it. I am done with that shit.  If someone really wants to be a friend, they will be.

Still eating healthier, ONE day at a time

I didn't post yesterday, because I read something on a friends page and it just kindof rattled me to the point of really questioning peoples definition of me. 
I won't quote what it said directly, but in short terms it said skinny is sexy and fat is gross.


I can assure you I am not gross.  And contrary to what some folks may think, big gals can be quite sexy... I may not like the way I look 100 percent of the time but when I feel damn sexy I show it.   I mean...I have seen a couple peoples statuses before and gotten offended.  I'll quote a few from memory

"Join our weight loss group so you won't be fat and miserable for the new year"
"I'd rather be skinny and sexy than fat and gross"
"Look that fat woman across the waiting room is going to break her chair"

Do me a favor.. If you feel the need to really validate yourself by calling someone fat, or talking about overweight people on your statuses, delete/block or remove me now.. Because this is getting into sensitive territory for me..as I am moody as all get out because I am not losing weight as fast as I'd like.
I ate a damn chocolate bar today. I feel miserable because I did. I had a momentary lapse of "I don't give a shit" attitude and I ate it.  It was really good and I automatically regretted doing it.  I'll lose weight..I just have to find out why I am so addicted to food... and choose to eat food when I get upset.

Yes. I've been upset. SHOCK.

Its no big deal. I tend to blow things out of proportion but it all boils down to "I wonder if they think I am good enough".  Yes. I wonder that. In life, and ESPECIALLY in photography.  In the world of "oh I can do that for cheaper than her" or "oh..I can do THAT gimme a camera" it's hard to prove myself.  And in the oh-so-fabulous world of momtographers in this area..backstabbing and poaching is a normal occurence.

Ha. I got out of high school and chose the most HIGH SCHOOL like profession in the world.  Catty women, backstabbers, manipulators and copycats.   Yay me!!

I haven't weighed since I stopped the advocare challenge.  Call me scared, stupid, or just plain idiotic but I am afraid to weigh myself.  I still haven't had a soft drink...but I haven't been ingesting a gallon of water a day. My tap water basically has things floating in it, and bottled water can get pricey when there are 3 other people drinking it too (I won't have cokes in this house..too much temptation).  But NO.  I haven't quit my blog..just won't be a daily thing. 

I reckon I'll refrain from naming this post what I wanted to.....

I guess I've lost my mojo....

In photography I'm doing well as can be limited by my lack of adequate equipment...but in LIFE I have lost my mojo.

I guess it took seeing someone call another person "fat" and that person wasn't even close to the definition of fat...to notice that no matter what I do, how successful I try to become, no matter how many hoops, loops and obstacles I jump through I will always be the fat girl.  The photographer in vernon..you know the fat one...
That fat woman who carries a camera to all the games...yeah her...
That big chick who is always at her kids band practices...yeah that's who I'm talking about..

I will never be anything other than what some close minded people see.

Yesterday, I had a couple sessions, and at one of them we were at a park.  I had to lay down on the ground and get photos at eye level (bc I like closeups..) and I noticed someone that had walked by and laughed pointing at me. No..not the baby covered in cake and happy as can be...ME.  The fat chick laying on the ground doing whatever it took to get the shot.  You see...that's the thing.  I have a horrible condition in my knee called Osteoarthritis, because I injured my knee several years ago working, and never had it repaired.  I have whittled away at the cartliage in my knee due to my obesity and now my right knee is bone, on bone.  It hurts. Every day it hurts...squatting, kneeling, walking, running are a few of the things that I struggle to do every single day.  Sad really. I'm 34 years old and falling apart.   But the point of my story is...people don't care that you are a good person if they don't KNOW you...all they see is the exterior.
I try and dress nice. It's hard.  You know how much an average pair of jeans costs a plus size gal? $90.  Yes. Lane Bryant, Torrid...all jeans average that price.  Walmart has pants, that are elastic wasted horrible jeans that I could never even think of wearing...but its very expensive.  I can't afford to even give myself an adequate wardrobe bc of all the extra fabric needed.

I have all but given up on the advocare supplements. I'll keep them around and use the last few shakes as needed, and the appetite suppresant pills will come in handy.  I've just come to the conclusion that it's all in what I eat...and being active.  Its very hard for me to work out...bc of my knee but I am going to start walking with my kids at the park if they will be seen with me and once I get strong enough to be seen in public working out, I may go back to zumba.  Lord knows I don't want to be "the fat chick in the back" of the workout studio.  I guess I'll have to get over the fact that people are always going to notice that about me.

You know something else about me?  

I sing.  I am a classically trained singer, who studied in college for music education and vocal music double major.  I love to sing. My dream was to go to nashville.  I tried out for our college group "campus country" and I was told I didn't have the image for nashville.  Then he picked the pretty, thin bleach blonde that had performed faith hill after me...to be in the group.  I know I'll never "make it" in the music business...but that's the thing... he stopped me 30 seconds into my number.  30 seconds.  Woulda coulda shoulda I guess but there are so many things about me that people don't even give me the chance..bc of my obesity.

I'll lose the weight.  Just won't be the way I thought.  But I am on day 21 of the challenge, and I have officially given up...but I haven't had a soft drink or sugar in 21 days.  So this did help me accomplish something.  I read labels now... I count calories now.  I'm more aware of healthy foods now.  So it has changed my life.  Just not in the obvious way that I thought.